Saturday, November 2, 2024

 New Posts Coming Soon. 

I appreciate your visit to my blog site.  I have not  written posts in a while.  I spent most of my free-time in the past couple of years working on my new book, "Therapeutic Friendship: Cultivating Relationships That Heal".  This book is now available for pre-sale at Smyth & Helwys Publishing's website.  You can read a description, read early reviews and order a copy HERE.  I will be working on new blog posts soon and will begin working on a new book project next year. 

Thanks for visiting.  

Sunday, April 10, 2022

Lessons on Humility: Reflections from Palm Sunday

Today was Palm Sunday.  I had the opportunity to preach at Believer's Baptist Fellowship in Hendersonville, TN.  During the service, the congregation read together the story of Jesus riding into Jerusalem on a donkey and everyone waving palm branches and laying their coats on the road in front of Jesus shouting Hosannah to the one who comes in the name of the Lord.  This story reminded me of Martin Luther’s use of the concept of “Right-handed” and“Left-handed” Power.  In this context, right-handed power is power that is derived from might and force. It is a power built on hierarchies, manipulation and military might. Left-handed power, the power that Jesus demonstrates again and again, is a power that subverts the hierarchies, uses the power of self-control, and challenges the traditional order.

A military leader, driven by “right-handed power”, would have ridden into Jerusalem on a powerful white stallion. He would display his military might with a show of troops and weapons.  He would demonstrate his power and domination by parading conquered people through the streets as defeated slaves.  There would be no doubt about the authority of such a leader, but such a person would lead by power, might, and coercion.

On Palm Sunday, we recall Jesus, who comes riding on into Jerusalem, not on a stallion, but on a lowly donkey.  There are no weapons.  There are no defeated slaves.  Jesus’ presentation is the opposite of what might have been expected in his day, but Jesus is welcomed as one who is great.  Did all of the people there understand who Jesus was and what kind of leader he was?  Obviously not.  Not even his inner circle of 12 fully understood that, but there was something about this man that drew people to him. Jesus is once again demonstrating His power through humility, and it is on this idea that I would like to offer reflection. 

The New Testament lectionary reading for today was Philippians 2: 5-11.  However, I would like to expand that to include vss. 1-4, because these verses have often been misunderstood and misused in a way that ultimately hurts people and waters down what I believe is the intended message.  I am reading this passage from the NRSV this morning, but if you are reading from another version, you will see that there is some diversity in the interpretation of some of the words that make a difference in how we understand this passage.

Philippians 2:1-11

If then there is any encouragement in Christ, any consolation from love, any sharing in the Spirit, any compassion and sympathy, 2 make my joy complete: be of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others. 5 Let the same mind be in you that was[a] in Christ Jesus,

6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God as something to be exploited, 7 but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, being born in human likeness. And being found in human form, 8 he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death—even death on a cross. 9 Therefore God also highly exalted him     and gave him the name that is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus     every knee should bend, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Paul’s encouragement here is perhaps not what it seems on the surface.  I know in my own life and in the lives of others that I have met, that these verses and others like them have often been interpreted and used in such a way that led people to deny their own giftedness and neglect their own needs. Living this passage out in this way, people wind up feeling inadequate and depleted.  People who have attempted to live self-sacrificially in this way, soon find themselves at the point of burnout and resentment.  This can lead to depression, anger, and disappointment. 

Instead of finding unity in purpose, churches (and other groups) have pushed for uniformity - uniformity of thought, beliefs, and ideas.  This push for uniformity drives those with different ideas to the margins and excludes others.  It creates groups that lack diversity and fuels societal power structures.  I seriously doubt that this is what Paul is intending in these passages and I do not believe this is the example of Jesus portrayed here and throughout scripture.  So, let us examine these verses to try to better understand. 

Verse one may not appear as such, but in a way, it is a challenge to us.  There is an implied question, “Does knowing Christ make a difference?”  Does the love of Christ transform us?  Do we find any comfort or sympathy through our faith in Christ?  Paul goes on to say, “If this truly makes a difference, then it should show in the way you interact with others.” 

These next few verses, to me, are the most difficult to understand; “be of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves. Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others.”

As we have tried to live this out, many of us have believed that harmony is the highest virtue.  We have set aside our own thoughts and feelings in order to get along. We have tried to “play nice” and avoid disagreements or arguments.  We have tried not to think too highly of ourselves and to always let other people get their way.  We have believed that is not ok to say what we want or what we like.  We have attempted to defer to others and to only think about what is best for them, but not think about what is best for us.  The result of this way of trying to live out this passage, results in all the things I mentioned above – burnout, resentment, depression, anger, and disappointment.  How can we live to the fullness of what we were created to be if we keep denying our gifts, abilities and interests in order for others to succeed? 

In our churches, we have gravitated towards being with people who look like us, believe like us, and live like us.  We have divided the body of Christ because we cannot figure out how to live in harmony and because we cannot accomplish what we think it might mean to be of “one mind”.  We have made this about uniformity rather than unity. 

Paul’s encouragements in verses 1-4 are often taken out of their full context of the verses that follow. Paul suggests that we look to the example of Jesus as the guide for what this Should look like, and this may help us to better understand these verses.  Paul is pointing out that while we call Jesus the son of God, Jesus is part of God’s being and has existed with God and is, himself, God.  However, in order to demonstrate God’s love for us and in order to provide us an example of what is important to God, Jesus comes to live among us as one of us.  Paul points out that Jesus is fully God, but Jesus divested himself of his divine place, his divine privilege and his divine prerogatives.  He does not deny his own identity but chooses to not benefit from it in order to encourage and empower others. This is Jesus’ humility.  As I look at this, I see there are some major ideas that might be helpful to us as we learn to live this out for ourselves.  I am not presenting these in order of importance.  It is just a list. 

Humility does not mean denying your gifts and abilities.  Humility is not about losing your identity.  It is about working to be all that you can be and encouraging others to be all that they can be.  It is about recognizing the support and contributions that others make to our success.  It is having the awareness that as much as some might like to believe it, there is no such thing as a “self-made” man or woman.  We were created for connection, we live in community, and the humble person accepts the contribution of others to his or her success with gratitude and is willing to make some sacrifices to help others succeed as well. 

In a similar vein, humility does not see success as a zero-sum game.  A “zero-sum game” is one in which in order for someone to succeed, someone has to lose.  This idea breeds competition and envy.  It assumes that if another is doing well, I have lost my opportunity to also do well.  Our culture pushes us to be the best.  Our culture values doing and values material wealth as a measure of success.  We are pushed to look good on the outside, whether we are healthy on the inside or not.  Humility would be able to admit when we need help.  It acknowledges that we are not self-sufficient, and we need others in our lives.  It means I have gifts and abilities that I can use to contribute to the community, but you also have gifts and abilities for the community.  I do not lose anything if you are successful and it should not diminish you, if I am successful.  If it does, we are probably doing it wrong. 

Conceit might be defined as thinking too highly of ourselves and Paul warns against this, but there is such a thing as healthy self-esteem, and this is not what we are warned against. Healthy self-esteem accurately evaluates our own abilities.  We should know what we are good at, and we should know the places that we struggle.  We should be able to be honest with ourselves and others about both of those things. Paul’s encouragement does not prevent us from knowing our gifts and abilities and his encouragement is not to neglect our own needs.  One of the places that you see a difference between translations of this verse is at this point.  The difference in translations indicated the fact that when Paul says let each person look not to their own interest, this might be better rendered as “let each person not look only at their own interests.  Some of your translations of this passage say it exactly this way.  The assumption is that we will look at our own interests and that is not a problem.  What becomes a problem is when we look ONLY at our own interests and do not consider the needs of others or how our actions affect others.  This indeed, is a lack of compassion and sympathy for others.  

Many of us might be able to point to various industries or companies that are notorious for minding their own bottom line at the expense of others.  I have seen stories on the trucking industry, the owners of Trailer parks, Amazon warehousespayday lenders, and fossil-fuel powered power plants – just to name a few of such businesses in which the way the business is run, adversely affects the employees, the consumer, or the environment in the interest of making more money for the owners or the shareholders.

Focusing more on our own interest also occurs at a personal level.  We see it when a person only looks to what they are getting out of a relationship or looks at other people as a way to get that they want.  When other people are reduced to what we can get from them, we do damage to them, but we also hurt ourselves.  It is ok for us to have our own wishes, dreams, desires, likes, and ambitions, but we cannot act on these without considering the implications for others.  In some cases, this might mean we sacrifice something of our own for another’s benefit, but in other cases, it might be working collaboratively with others to reduce the negative impact of our plans on someone else. 

Another way that I think about this is about how we relate to people who might be lower in rank than we are.  How do we treat children, servers, people who make less money that we do, people who are different than us, or people who cannot “do” anything for us?  Do we see the inherent value in the person as a child of God who is also created for community, or do we measure the other’s value by what they do or what they can do for us?  Jesus made time for children.  He made time for those who were shunned and rejected.  He offered great love to those seen as bad or useless.  This is what humility looks like – not thinking about ourselves as so important as to not take time to know the humanity of another. 

 So, if we revisit those first four verses of Philippians 2, I might paraphrase them this way:

If your faith makes a difference.  If you believe that that the love of God transforms lives.  If you believe we are called to offer compassion and sympathy to those who are hurting and those who struggle, then let this be true in your community of faith.  Strive to prioritize this love and compassion in every aspect of your life.  You don’t have to agree on everything, but make sure you are prioritizing compassion in everything.  Make sure you are valuing people and relationship over material goods or earthly measures of importance.  Let the love of Christ and the example of Christ be the singular focus in our life.  Community only functions when every person develops his or her gifts to the fullest and so encourage others to be the best that they can be.  When you are thinking about how you live your own life and what you want, don’t just think about your own needs, but also consider how your decisions will affect others.  Live in a relationship where you encourage one another, where you support one another; rejoice with those that rejoice and cry with those who cry.  Be willing to sacrifice your own privileged position to help someone who may not have equal opportunity.  Do your best to live and love as Jesus did so that He may be exalted in your actions.  Amen.

 

 

 

Sunday, March 20, 2022

Tempted to Inauthentic Living


The following sermon was preached at Believer's Baptist Fellowship in Hendersonville, Tennessee on March 6, 2022.  An audio of this sermon is available on Soundcloud. Click HERE to listen. The Gospel reading of the day was Luke 4:1-13



 If you are comfortable, close your eyes.  I want you to completely clear your mind.  I don't want you to think about anything, especially pink elephants with purple polka dots.  Whatever you do, do not think about pink elephants with purple polka dots.  Now open your eyes.  What were you thinking about?  

Too many times, we tend to think of temptation in this way.  We think about the things we don’t want to do or the feelings we don’t want to feel, and we try real hard to not think about them, but our efforts only reinforce their presence and power in our lives.  This passage today may give us a different way to think about this. 

As we look at this passage, we need to take note of the context. Jesus has just been baptized by John the Baptizer in the Jordan river.  Now, Mark’s gospel tells us that the spirit sent Jesus into the wilderness to be tested.  It is harsh and does not include much information.  Luke tells us much more and Luke says that the spirit led Jesus in the wilderness or into the wilderness, and while he was there, he was tempted (the same word could also mean tested.)  Luke says that Jesus was “full of the spirit”, which has led some others to speculate that a lesson for us might be that coming from such a profound spiritual experience and feeling “full of the spirit” is just when we often experience hardship, struggle, or temptation.  I can definitely see that interpretation.  I feel like I have experienced that before, coming from a profound religious experience at a retreat or such only to go right back to find some significant challenge in my life. However, I have a different reflection on this today. 

Jesus has not yet begun his public ministry.  He has submitted to being baptized by John as a possible movement towards a new phase of his life and ministry.  Feeling full of the spirit, a contemplative Jesus feels led into the wilderness for a time of intentional reflection.  He goes to a place of solitude and for 40 days he fasts, prays, and reflects.  The literal time in the wilderness may have been shorter or longer than 40 days.  In a parallel experience, in I Kings, the Prophet, Elijah, also goes into the wilderness for 40 days.  This “40 days” is like us saying, “I haven’t seen you in a month of Sundays”.  Do we literally mean a period of time that encompasses a month’s worth of Sundays, or do we simply mean a long time?  Forty days was a long time. We know it was a long time because when Jesus had reached the end of this time of fasting, he was famished.  No duh, right?  Last Wednesday was Ash Wednesday and that marks the beginning of Lent.  In this time many Christians choose to give up something in order to help them focus on Christ in the time of preparation leading to Easter.  I don’t know anyone personally who decides to give up food for lent.  I am sure someone has, but that would be huge sacrifice for most people!  After not eating for that period of time, I am sure you would feel beyond hungry.  And that is when Luke says that Jesus was tempted. 

In the 12-step programs, they sometimes use the acrostic H.A.L.T. or HALT, that stands for “Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired”.  These 4 states or feelings are things that can be risk factors for those in recovery to be tempted to relapse.  They are also states of being that can lead us to be tempted to be less than our best self.  This is why it has become so cliché to talk about self-care, but literally tending to your feelings, taking care of your basic needs like good food, adequate food and sleep is so important. 

Jesus was potentially lonely and tired, but we know that he was hungry, and it is at this point Luke says that Jesus was tempted.  The first temptation is to turn stone into bread.  And would that have really been so bad?  I mean we just talked about the importance of taking care of your basic needs.  So, what is the difficulty here? Many have offered various ideas and reflections.  Is Jesus being tempted into selfishness, a misuse of power, or some other use of power for the wrong reason?

I read this in a possibly different way.  I think about that HALT acrostic in AA and the possible triggers for relapse.  These states and emotions are things that can lead people to make poor decisions.  Lower their resistance.  Lose sight of their goals.  It is possible that Jesus is tempted to focus on his current state of hunger and say, “forget it, I want to eat” and lose sight of his larger goals.  His response communicates to me that we should not live only be our emotions, drives, or reactions to those around us who can provoke us. We are to be motivated and driven by the words of God – the fullness of the spirit that dwells in us and the teachings of scripture for us – these need to be our guides, not whatever way the emotional wind is blowing today or not how those around us are behaving today.  Keeping an internal compass of who we want to be and what we want our lives to be about can be challenging in those times when we are tempted to react solely on our emotions.  When we are only governed by human drives and desires for revenge or other immediate gratification, this can lead us to alienation from others, disconnection from ourselves and God, feelings of hopelessness, and depression.  Jesus demonstrates that he is grounded in his internal compass and refuses to act only on his immediate feelings or drives. 

 The second temptation is to worship Satan in exchange for earthly power.  I think some people might struggle with the idea of Satan or the devil.  This is perhaps fueled by characterizations of the devil as a little guy with horns and pitchfork.  Those images can be cute, but most people understand that when we talk about the devil, we are talking about the distortion of the truth, deception, and temptation to be our worst self.  We never talk about being tempted to live a healthy life, with healthy emotions, and a strong spiritual life.  In fact, when we talk about the devil or Satan, it is always in direct contrast to that which is good, healthy, or godly.  So, when Satan says that he has the power to give to Jesus land, power and riches, it should seem absurd to us.  It would also be just as absurd if another person told us that they could give us everything. 

 For the original audience of Luke’s gospel, the people were regularly confronted with demands to worship the Ceasars as gods.  There were temples and worship of Ceasar and there were horrific punishments given for those that did not participate.  If someone wanted to be able to conduct business and move freely in that society, they would need to participate fully in the Roman culture.  The temptation that Jesus experiences is reminiscent of that experience.  Similar to the first temptation, this seems to be a temptation to lose sight of our true call and our true nature and focus on earthly wealth and power. 

There are several versions of the story of Faust, but each contains a story of a man who makes a deal with the devil for success of one kind of another, in exchange for his own soul.  It is a story of the man’s loss of his true nature for that which is less than ultimate concern.  That deal with the devil is rarely so blatant.  Al Pacino’s movie, “The Devil’s Advocate” was one of the best representations of how this deal usually might go.  In this movie, the devil is present in the life of a young lawyer and his wife.  He does not confront the young man directly but plays on his own fears and goals and distorts reality enough to make the wrong decision seem acceptable and the young lawyer gives up a little moral ground at a time as his life spirals out of control.  That is more how the Faustian deal happens, not with a conscious decision and signature in blood, but in minor distortions and deviations.  We rarely make a dramatic shift to place a distorted idol at the heart of our lives, but slowly drift to that point.  Pastoral theologian, Merle Jordan, writes: “Idols tend to clothe persons in ill-fitting suits.  But God does not impose an agenda onto another’s life, but lovingly invites and calls for the unique agenda within the heart of each person.  The worship of idols leads to the formation of a false self; the love of God invites the true self into abundant life. Because Jesus is full of the spirit, he is able to recognize the absurdity of Satan’s offer, he again quotes scripture to deflect the temptation, holds to his authentic self. 

 The final of these three temptations is to make a grand showing of his power.  Jesus is tempted to throw himself off of the temple and have God demonstrate power by keeping Jesus from hitting the ground.  This would have perhaps been a sin of pride in the form of a big showy gesture that would have indeed shown Jesus’s power and identity, but Jesus again and again refuses such big demonstrations of power in order to gain followers. 

 Theologian, Martin Luther, makes the distinction between “left-handed power” and “right-handed power”. In this context right-handed power is power that is derived from might and force. It is a power built on hierarchies and military might.  It is majority rule and military strength in numbers.  It is built on bullying and intimidation.  It is easy to see such power in things like a Russian invasion of Ukraine, but it is also in other forms of coercion and control that seeks to divide people, elevating one group while hurting another. 

 Into this kind of world, Jesus was born as an infant in a stable.  There is nothing more vulnerable than a baby.  It depends on others for everything and has no defense against harm.  From the beginning, Jesus’s life reflects Luther’s “left-handed power”. Jesus resists the big shows of power.  He deals with others with love and humility and teaches his followers to do the same.  In a world where a soldier could force a citizen to carry his pack a mile (right-handed power), Jesus says, show love and carry it an extra mile.  In a world where we are to love our neighbor and hate our enemy, Jesus says, “no, love your enemy and pray for them”.  The way of Jesus is not easy, it is hard, but what Jesus shows us in his own temptations, is that with the power of God, it is not impossible. 

As I see it, when we take all of Jesus’ temptations together, the temptations are about acting impulsively, focusing on power and influence, and drawing attention to oneself.  In each temptation, there is an element of truth, but a distortion – a lie.  A person who lived their life driven by emotions and impulses, who is more focused on gaining power and being right, and who is more focused on maintaining an image, would be dramatic, shallow, and self-centered.  They would be more invested in looking good or appearing right, than actually doing the internal and spiritual work that is required to live a grounded and authentic life. 

It is my belief that Jesus spent time after his baptism and before beginning his earthly ministry to look inside.  He spent intentional time alone and in introspection. He wrestled with various ideas about how to live and what he wanted his life to be about. In each instance, he came back to what he had chosen as the grounding of his life.  He had his internal compass set.  He had grounded himself in scripture and the love of God.  He would later teach his disciples the same and would give them the same fullness of the spirit to be their guide. 

 Too often, we reduce temptations to the pink elephant issues that we just try to avoid and we waste our energy fighting what we don’t want.  The example of Jesus is different.  Jesus acknowledged the temptation but made a conscious decision to focus his energy elsewhere.  For us, we may need to come to grips with some of the ways we have gotten off track.  We may need to do the introspection to better understand ourselves.  We may need to be honest with ourselves about what our temptations might be.  We may need to look at where we are seeking a more “right-handed approach” to life and relationships.  Being honest about our feelings, whatever they are and being honest about what tempts us, whatever it is, is the first step to overcoming those things.  We do not do that by trying to ignore them or fighting them.  We do that by working on the things that nurture our internal compass.  We do that by focusing on health and wholeness.  Often, we find that in our quiet moments with God, the teachings in scripture, and the example of Jesus. 

 As you go into the wilderness of your life, may you have the eyes to avoid deception and distortion, the internal wisdom to choose your response and action rather than reacting, and the courage and patience to choose the path of wholeness and healing.    Amen. 

 

 

Tuesday, May 25, 2021

The Courage to Be

 The following was featured on the Staff Blog of Belle Meade United Methodist Church this week.


May 2 marked the 11th anniversary of the historic Nashville Flood.  On that day in 2010, my house was severely damaged by a mudslide in our neighborhood.  My wife and I wound up losing our home.  We lived with friends and family, we survived because of the generosity of others.  During the next several months, we experienced almost every emotion that one can experience.  Some days it was hard to get out of bed, but I recall one evening as my family was eating dinner together with a gift card given to us by an anonymous stranger, I looked around the table and realized that we still had the same family love and relationships that we had before we lost our house.  I realized that it did not matter where we had been eating together that night, we would still have each other, and the relationships we had always shared.  I began see our experience through a new lens that has given me courage to face life since that time.  I have come to appreciate the writings of theologian, Paul Tillich, who writes about “The Courage to Be”.  

It has been a while since I read Tillich’s words directly, but I paraphrase them in this way (and add a bit of my own to them). Most people live lives of superficial busyness that are often driven by a variety of anxieties.  The one big core anxiety that few of us can tolerate is the reality that we will one day die.  Most people will go to great lengths to avoid the thought of their own death.  We don’t like the idea that those we love might one day die, but the reality that we will one day die often drives us into living a frenetic life of activities and trivialities designed to distract us from the reality of our own death.  Beyond this, we fear the rejection or judgement of others.  We seek to avoid the pain and sadness of loss.  Out of anxiety, we might try to control others so that we can avoid undesirable outcomes.  We may try to live life in a way that denies or avoids deep feelings of sadness or anger.  The bottom line is that life is unpredictable, other people are unpredictable, deep emotions can be deeply painful, and the ultimate end of life is death.  (Cheery, I know).  

The ironic experience is that to avoid the discomfort of life, we may unconsciously construct beliefs, practices, and behaviors that are designed to minimize the pain, control other people and situations, and deny death.  However, the resulting life is one of shallow connections, meaningless activity, and a superficial existence. Paul Tillich suggests that a life of meaning and depth results from being able to affirm death.  For him, “Courage” is living in spite of the reality of death, not denying death.  The courage to be is the courage to live life as it is; accepting others without trying to manipulate or control them.  It is learning to feel all of your feelings and having the courage to experience the depth of the pain and forsakenness that you might find in the losses of life.  Because so many of those who struggle with the abuse of substances do so because of the depth of pain in their life and in their past, the 12-step tradition affirms learning to “Live life on life’s terms” as one of their tenants.  Learning to live life on life’s terms also means coming to terms with our own mortality.  Only in acknowledging death and having the courage to experience our fears, sadness, loneliness, etc. can we know what it is to have true joy and depth of being.  

The beauty of our Christian faith is that at its heart is a God who has lived the depth of forsakenness, suffering and death through the life of the incarnate Jesus.  We have the power of Jesus’ resurrection to give us power over death.  The unknown of death is still scary.  The loss of loved ones still hurts, but the resurrection should help us embrace death in a way that allows us to live fully.  If we can trust God with our lives and our future, then we should have confidence to know that we can deal with anything we encounter.  Not that we want to encounter “everything”, but we have the confidence to know we can if that is what life brings.  If that is true, then we can stop trying to make others do what we want them to and give them the freedom to live their lives.  We can stop trying to manipulate situations to try go get them to turn out as we think they should because we can trust that God is in the future and can bring blessing from sadness.  2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”  When we find the courage to feel the fear and live our lives anyway and we trust God with our lives and futures, we find the power to live life fully.  We have the ability to love without fear – without holding back or without trying to control.  In the courage to be, relationships are deeper, life has more meaning, and we experience true joy – life not just eternal, but life abundant.  

Chris O'Rear, M.Div., M.M.F.T. 

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Paul Tillich, The Courage to Be, New Haven & London: Yale University Press, 1952.  



Sunday, November 1, 2020

Blessed Are Those That Mourn

 (This sermon was originally preached at St. Philip's Episcopal Church in Nashville, Tennessee, November 1, 2020, but was preached again at Believer's Baptist Fellowship in Hendersonville, TN on November 7, 2021 after the death of their first pastor, Tim Rayborn.  You can view the St. Philip's service, HERE. The sermon begins at 14:27 or hear audio of the Believer's Baptist Fellowship Sermon on Soundcloud HERE.   The Gospel Reading for the day was Matthew 5:1-12. The focal passage is Matthew 5:4)

I had actually been working on a different passage and a different sermon for today, but I changed that this week.  Though “All Saints Day” is actually November 1, many churches around the world are honoring that day today.  All Saints Day is a day that we set aside to formally remember those in larger church family and in our lives who have set an example of faith for us. We recall those who have demonstrated a faith worth emulating. We give thanks for an example that helps us envision what a life well-lived looks like. Last year was the first All Saints Day that I experienced without my father, Doug O’Rear. He died of COVID on July 30, 2020. My dad had many wonderful qualities that are certainly worth of remembering, honoring, and emulating.

I changed my sermon for today, however, because I know that today the members of this congregation are remembering their first pastor, Tim Rayborn, and grieving the loss of him this week. I served with Tim in the Tennessee Cooperative Baptist Fellowship years ago and appreciated his kindness, his gentle demeanor, and his friendship.  I know that each of you have your own stories of Tim and how he cared for you and this congregation over the years. He is remembered for his love of God, his kindness, and his openness to other’s ideas. He was kind and caring. Like my dad, Tim too had many wonderful qualities that are worth of remembering, honoring, and emulating.

A day like today might also cause us to reflect on those in our lives and history who have not been good examples to us or who might have actually hurt us in one way or another in our walk of faith.  Either way, a day like today can be a day of sadness. Our passage today is from the collection of Jesus’ teachings that call “The Sermon on the Mount”. In these teachings, Jesus covers many topics, 0ne of these statements is about those who mourn. Because this day of remembering those who have gone before us in faith, I thought I might focus today on this teaching from our reading this morning.

My friend, Dr. Bruce Vaughn, describes what he calls a “dialectic of grief” that can be simply stated that in the moment when we feel most connected to something or someone we have lost, we simultaneous feel the joy and gratitude of the memory and the deep sadness of their absence in our lives. On a day of remembering, like today, we can experience deep gratitude as we remember those heroes of our faith and we can experience the simultaneous awareness that these people are now physically absent from our lives. I have heard it said that grief is simply learning to love in the absence of those we have lost. This seems true and is beautiful to me; grief is simply learning to love in the absence of those we have lost.

Many Bible Scholars note that when Jesus says “Blessed are those who mourn”, he is not necessarily thinking of those who have lost a loved one or those who are grieving the loss of someone, but have suggested that Jesus is speaking to those who look at the world in its current state and grieve how far we are from God’s ideal for us.  As we look around us, even today, we see many things to grieve as we continue to see those who struggle economically and those who will go to bed tonight without sufficient food or a decent place to sleep. We grieve when we continue to see mistreatment of people in our country simply because of the color of their skin. We should grieve when we see the division and lack of love in our political system, when people are seen only as their political party and not as human beings. There is a sadness we should feel when any person is reduced to one aspect of themselves and treated as less than a child of God because of that one thing. You and I could add many things to this list of things to grieve because there are so many ways that our world does not reflect the kingdom of God as we read about it in scripture. How odd that Jesus says we are blessed.

The same Bible scholars who suggest that the grieving Jesus is talking about is how much our current world misses the mark, would also suggest that Jesus’ blessing and promise of comfort is a promise for the future, leaving us with our grief regarding the world as it is now. We know that our faith and our tradition certainly hold a belief that God will someday set the world in order and God’s Will will be done on earth as it is in heaven. We read in Revelation 21:4, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; mourning and crying and pain will be no more, for the first things have passed away.”  This is clearly indicating that the comfort promised will definitely come at some point in the future.  However, I think there is an application of these teachings of Jesus that we call the “Beatitudes”, including, “Blessed are those who mourn” that has to do with how we live our life until that unknown time in the future.

Mourning is not something we like to do but mourning comes to us about a number of things in our lives.  We can certainly mourn the loss of a person that we have lost to death, but we might also mourn the loss of a relationship, a job, a house, a pet, a dream, or any other thing we may have lost. Many, if not most of us, have experienced some grief during this time of COVID as we have been forced to change our plans or miss gatherings with friends and family in order to keep ourselves and others safe from the virus.  Our lives are not going as we imagined that they would and that loss of how we expected things to be is a form of mourning. Mourning the loss of anything or anyone is emotional, and the more connected we are to that person, thing or idea, the deeper the sadness that we experience.  If we are deeply connected to another person, the grief we feel can truly feel like our heart is aching. We can feel as if we have lost a piece of ourselves. The depth of sadness can be so big that we feel we cannot bear it. We may fear overwhelming our friends with our sadness or we may fear that if we allow ourselves to feel sad, there will be no end to the sadness. For this reason, people often try to avoid the feelings of grief. People may try to distract themselves with extra work or mindless activities or they may try to numb themselves with alcohol or other drugs.  They may adopt a false attitude of positivity because they believe that they are being “strong” by not showing emotion. Unfortunately, our culture has reinforced this cowboy image, especially for men, that sees sadness and tears as weakness and rewards emotional stoicism.  However, grief is hard, and grief is painful, and grief cannot be avoided without some complications.

When Jesus announces a blessing for those who mourn, perhaps he is saying that there is truly a blessing in allowing ourselves to mourn that we do not receive if we try to avoid mourning. Blessed are those that can let themselves feel the depth of their sadness. Blessed are those who acknowledge their feelings and let themselves cry.  Blessed are those who make space in their lives to recognize losses and identify the grief that follows. You might say to me, however, “Chris, crying never solved anything!” or “Crying doesn’t change anything.” 

And, I would partially agree with you.  Crying and feeling sad does not bring back what is lost, that is true, but it does honor the deep love we have for what has been lost and it honors the deep connection with that which has been lost. Our expression of grief does not change the present situation, but it honors the significance of the past. If we do not allow ourselves to openly grieve; if we try to avoid grief or deny grief, our grief will catch up with us. Unexpressed grief can ferment into depression. Grief that is not recognized, can fester into resentment. Unexpressed grief can grow up to become anger. We deny ourselves the opportunity for full living if we do not express our grief and grief that is not expressed can be compounded and become more intense with subsequent losses.

There is another way that grief is tied to living life to its fullest. Some people, consciously or unconsciously, recognize that the deeper they are connected to another person, the bigger their feelings of grief and the deeper their sadness. Because of this, they may try to limit how close they allow themselves to get to others. They tend to keep people at an arm’s length, emotionally speaking. They tend to downplay the importance of other people and may treat relationships and people as if they are disposable and unimportant. Living life this way, leads to shallow connection and subsequently deep loneliness. The resulting feelings can lead to anger, depression, and resentment. Some people may wish to avoid the disappointment and grief that comes when life is not going as they think it should and so, they seek to control situations and people to get the outcome they desire. But a manipulated outcome is ultimately unsatisfying and attempts to control others regularly result in resentment and frustration on the part of those are trying to be controlled. Again, the resulting feelings can lead to anger, depression, and resentment. This is not a life lived in fullness and freedom. It is not a life of abundance. 

It seems paradoxical to say that grieving is part of an abundant life or that grief could be part of the kingdom of God, but as we understand the nature of grief, it seems clear that it is. If we can grieve well, then we allow ourselves to get emotionally close to others. If we can grieve well, we allow depth in our relationships. We allow ourselves to be known deeply and intimately as we seek to know others in the same way.  When we can acknowledge our grief about things not going as we thought they should, we become more accepting of life as it is – struggles and all. I want to be clear about something, however.  Taking our feelings of grief and sadness seriously is not the opposite of hope. Grief and sadness are not things we feel instead of hope. We can have hope for the future, and we can believe that God will be present in our future and still allow ourselves to feel our deep feelings of grief, sadness, and disappointment. Deep joy in life, fullness of life, is directly tied to our ability to recognize and express our grief. There is no way to avoid grief. We either actively deal with it, or our grief will deal with us.

So, while it seems nonsensical at first, Jesus speaks wisdom to us. Blessed are those who can allow themselves to grieve and to feel their deep sadness.  They will be comforted by the memory of those with whom they have shared deep connection. They will be comforted by the deep and meaningful relationships in the future. They will avoid the discomfort of depression, resentment, and destructive anger. Those who can grieve well are truly blessed. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.  

 Amen.   


If you are interested in knowing how best to respond to a person who is grieving, read my post from March 2020 HERE.  

Monday, September 28, 2020

Old Heaters & Extra Doorknobs

I recently opened a new  counseling office at St. Philip’s Episcopal Church in the Donelson area of Nashville.  (I am not doing counseling there myself, but am renting that office to other therapists.)  I did the re-decorating of the office myself.  When I first went to the office, it needed a little work.  There was peeling paint, missing trim on the walls, and old light fixtures.  There were also some peculiar things in the office.  The remnants of an old wall heater remained attached to the wall and oddly, there was a second doorknob on the door to the office.  I could see why the heater had been abandoned and why it would be a challenge to remove from the wall without having to do major repair to the wall, but that extra doorknob, I could only imagine how that might have come to be.  Only one of the two doorknobs actually worked.  So, I imagined that at some point the original doorknob had stopped working and was replaced, but the knob was not replaced in its original position, but a new doorknob was placed above the first on the door.  I could not remove the non-functioning doorknob without replacing the whole door.  So, I painted around them both.  


The Work of therapy is not unlike the office.  Like the new office bore the marks of those who had inhabited it previously, our lives and relationships do bear the marks – positive and negative – of our previous experiences.  When we take time to tend to the needs of our internal world, there is much work that can be done to bring about change.  We can replace things that used to work, but no longer work.  We can add things that are missing – new skills, new understandings, and the like.  The work that we do on ourselves can radically change who we are. I could have written about how sometimes, we avoid working on things in our lives because the task seems too big or we fear it will cost too much to do the work we think we need to do.  That might have been a valid reflection, however, I began to think about how in the work of therapy, there are sometimes things about us that just do not seem to change.  For an individual, there seem to be some things about our core personality that remain true no matter what.  John Gottman, in his study of marriages, has noted that two-thirds of the things that couple’s fight about are things that cannot be resolved.  They are issues that cannot be changed or issues that have no easy resolution. 

Part of the work of therapy, is realizing that some things about us or our situations cannot be changed. Such things must be examined and understood as best as possible, but the work of therapy becomes acceptance of the given reality and to working with it.  This can be challenging depending on what the issue is.  However, we can learn to accept and adapt.  We cannot always remove the extra doorknobs of our lives or repair the ones that are broken.  We cannot always remove the things that no longer work without doing more damage or creating more difficulty.  So, we learn to make peace with what is.  We stop fighting against what cannot change and learn to accept.  This may mean accepting certain things about ourselves or about those close to us that are difficult, but it is possible to learn to make peace or adapt. 

If you would like to see before and after pictures of the office, visit https://www.counselingatstphilips.com/news

 

Tuesday, March 3, 2020

Grief: What Helps and What Does Not

Life is filled with many kinds of losses.  We obviously lose loved ones, pets, and friends to death, but we can also grieve the loss of homes, jobs, dreams, hopes, and function or ability.  When talking with someone about any loss and difficulty it is sometimes difficult to know what to say.   Below is a list of common things that should not be said to someone who is grieving and list of things that may be more helpful.

Things Not to Say



  • “I know how you feel” (Even if you have been through something similar, you cannot know exactly what this person is feeling and most people will feel anger at such statements because they want to feel their feelings and express their experience. There is no place for comparing experiences at this point.)
  • “There is a reason for everything” or “It’s all part of God’s plan”. (The person may be able to find meaning in their loss later, but may not. Either way, that is something they have to come to on their own.)
  • “He/she is in a better place” (While the person grieving may believe this themselves, this does not change the fact that they miss the presence of what is lost.)
  • “You can always…remarry, have another child, get another pet, etc.” (One thing can never replace something that is lost.  We can learn to live with our loss and we may learn love and connect again, but we will always miss that which was lost.)
  • “This is behind you now; it is time to get on with your life” or “That was so long ago, aren’t you over that yet?” (Grief takes as long as it takes for a person and each person grieves in their own way.)
  • “You should do this” or “You shouldn’t feel that” (Any statement of this sort is more about our discomfort and/or need to try to fix the problem and is less about the grief of the person.)


Things to Say (and do)


  • “I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help anyway I can.” (Do not offer to help if you don’t really mean it.  It is better to offer to do specific things because those who are grieving can’t always think about more mundane needs.  Either way, let the person feel what they feel, express it how they need to, and for as long as they need to.)
  • “I wish I had something to say that could make it better, but know I care about you.” (It is better to say that you don’t know what to say than to just say something that you think might make someone feel better.  You probably can’t make it better and the person just needs someone with them at that moment.)
  • Say nothing (Instead of trying to say the “right thing”, just offer someone a hug.  If you sit with someone, but comfortable with silences; don’t try to fill it.  Allow them to tell you the story of how their loved one died or about their loss.  Every telling of that story helps.)
  • Don’t rush grief (Grieving takes as long as at takes and people express grief in many ways.)
  • Mind the special occasions (The first year after a loss can be particularly difficult with the “first” holiday, birthday, etc. without the loved one.  Offer extra support at those times and over time.  Remember most people will offer care and support until after the funeral. )



 For additional resources on what to do and say and what not to do and say, check out the following websites: