What I know after May 2, 2010

Many of you have followed the saga of our house for the past couple of months and I cannot express my gratitude for your concern, your prayers, and your gifts to my family and me. I have thought many times about posting these thoughts to my blog, but kept putting it off – thinking that at some point, I would be able to report on the solution of things. However, our situation is not yet resolve and we do not yet know how it will be completely resolved. However, there are some things that I do know that I want to share.

I do know what has happened to our house. On May 2, while most of Nashville was experiencing floods, there were several mudslides in my neighborhood. My neighbors have experienced horrible effects of these slides. At my house, several smaller sections of the hill behind our house gave way, but a larger section of the hill apparently moved towards my house and stopped. The pressure of this movement has cracked the foundation of our house and slightly bowed the foundation wall. All walls that are connected to that wall are now warped. In addition to this, a tree from behind our house fell through our house smashing the roof, our attic, and ceilings in our kitchen and in my daughter, Jessie’s, room.

After talking to numerous government officials, FEMA, the SBA, geologists, contractors, insurance agents, adjusters, and real estate agents, I know a few more things. Insurance only paid for damage caused by the tree. FEMA gave us money, but not enough to cover the other damage to our house. The SBA is unable to process our request at this time. The city may consider our home in a “buy back” program, but not for at least two years. Though I had purchased additional coverage from my insurance agent because I feared such an event, the coverage I purchased does not cover this (we are still dealing with the agent over this.) The cost to stabilize the hill behind our house will be over $100,000. With the combined cost to repair our home and stabilize the property well over $150,000, it is not economically feasible to restore our house to its pre-storm condition. Therefore, we have been exploring our options for “losing” the house.

Every day since May 2 (And I literally mean EVERY day), has included a phone call, an email, a form, a fax, or a face-to-face visit related to our house. Almost every day brings a new bit of news, a new wrinkle, or another set-back. Exactly how this will ultimately be resolved is still unknown. All of this has been very stressful and though most days I do well, there are days that don’t feel like leaving the house and other times I just cry. But that is not the final word on what I know.

Through this time, I have never once questioned “Why Me?” and I have never once wondered where God is in the midst of this. I do not think that “God did this to me” and I do not question that good has and will come from this. I feel blessed that my family was all safe – including my oldest daughter who was upstairs when the tree fell through the house. With every thoughtful gift we have received, I have felt the tender comfort of God. Many people have sincerely asked how they can be of help and we have tried to let people know when we know what are needs are (like help with moving, storing our “things”, financial assistance, and other gift cards). However, I have been especially moved by the spontaneous gifts that we have received; some of which are things that if I had asked for, I would have been WAY out of line. There have been spontaneous financial gifts to us. My friend, Jenny, who makes cakes offered to make a cake for Rachel’s graduation party. She just said, “Tell me how many people and when.” My friend, Ray, who is storing my motorcycle for me, had a new tire put on the back of my bike and had a general maintenance check done on my bike for me. A doctor at Vanderbilt, who knows Lynda, has offered to have a graduation party for Rachel to make sure that she has all she needs to be ready to go to college in the fall. My mom and her husband, Jim, have given us a place to live as long as we need. These are just a few of the amazing things that people have done for us. In each act of kindness, I feel the presence of God with us.

There is one great thing that I have felt through this experience. Several nights since we moved out of the house, our family has eaten together as a family (both at home and out) as we have always done regularly. As we have gathered around the table, we have talked about our lives; we have laughed, and shared deep reflections. I continue to be blessed by my two daughters and my wife. Eating these meals is an ordinary event, but when we share with each other and I experience the joy of these precious moments, they are transformed into holy moments of divine incarnation for me. I have realized that my hope does not lie in my house (and certainly does not lie with insurance companies). My hope is in the love and connection of my family and the goodness of God. I have thought more than once that I we could be living in the homeless shelter and I could be unemployed and while I would not be “happy” about it, I would feel content. Serenity, for me, has not been in everything working out (because it definitely has not worked out well yet), but serenity has come in knowing that no matter what happens, the love of God and the love of my family are steadfast. These are the things that I know. Some of the details of this story will change as time goes on, but some most certainly will not. Thank you all for your continued prayers.

A Little Rant about the Drop-off Line at School

I do not understand why it takes some parents 20 minutes to drop their kids off at school every morning. Every morning when we arrive at school my daughter collects her things and gets out of the car. The whole process takes less than 15 seconds. Then I sit behind some mom in an SUV while their child has to open two car doors to get all of their belongings. THEN the mom calls the child back to the car to tell them one more thing before they leave for the school. THEN the mom sits in the car and watches their child as they take the leisurely stroll to the school door. Meanwhile another car has pulled behind me so I can no longer back up and try to get around the over-protective SUV mom. All I can say is, "somebody needs to get more organized and somebody needs to get a life." Okay, I'm done now.

Arrogance Will Get You Nowhere

Several years ago I was asked to lead a class at my church on grief. As part of the class, I had visitors from the Muslim and Jewish communities come on different nights and talk about how each of those traditions cares for those who are grieving. I love the way that care for those who are grieving is built into the regular worship at Jewish temples and synagogues and I thought we might could learn from this and other aspects of others' faith practices. Later I was criticized by one participant who said we didn't need those "foreigners" to come to our church to tell us anything.

Today I watched the ABC Documentary "Different Books, Common Word" that highlighted the dialogue between Baptists and Muslims in various parts of the United States. The program highlighted how several different people found themselves with the opportunity to interact with a person from another faith group and learned something about the common humanity of the other. So many times in church, I hear more of the "We are right and 'they' are wrong" kinds of rhetoric. Whether it is about religion, politics, race, gender or some other division, there seems to be a tendency to talk about those who are in and those who are out. Too often, what is called tolerance by such thinkers is the willingness to allow others the "right" to live life by their own cultural standards as long as "those people" know that "they" are in the minority and not in positions of power. There also seems to be an idea that if I truly enter a dialogue with someone who is different from me, I will have to give up something of who I am. This just simply is not true. In fact, dialogue that requires that a person give up a part of who they are lacks any potential for genuine connection. However, we do have to set aside our need to be right long enough to enter into the world of the other and try to see the world through their eyes.

This point has been portrayed beautifully in movies such as Dances with Wolves, The Last Samurai, and more recently, Avatar. If we just keep saying why we think we are right and why others or wrong, we never truly understand the other. (And this is true in world politics, marriages, and parenting.) In an encounter with another we may find something that changes us, or we may be reminded of why we believe as we do, but that cannot truly happen if we approach such conversations with arrogance. To a lesser extent, I have the privilege to practice this on a regular basis as I get to visit other congregations as part of my work. I have learned to appreciate the liturgy and practice of other Christian Churches. In each visit, I find things that I like and reasons to return to my own congregation. However, every encounter opens my eyes to new ways of doing things. For a couple of years I had regular lunches with my friend, A.J. Levine. A.J. is a Jewish woman who is also a professor of New Testament at Vanderbilt. I loved our conversations both about her faith and practice and her views on Christian faith and practice as she critiqued it through her studies of the New Testament. I have loved the rich conversations that I have had with those who are just across party lines from me or those that have different ethnic background. Each time I come away from a conversation with something I have learned and something that affirms a part of myself.

I do not understand the need to draw deep divides between people or those that express anger when they encounter views that are different than their own. In fact, if there is one place that I need to practice my own tolerance for others, it is for people who seem to demonstrate these types of rigid stances. As we learn what it is to love our neighbor as ourselves or as we truly try to embody the teachings of the "Good Samaritan", I think we have to learn to love - not tolerate or endure - others; others from different religions, countries, cultures, races and political parties. My life has been enriched as I try to overcome my own prejudices daily.

Service of Remembrance

Each of the candles in this photo represents the life of a loved one remembered at the annual "Service of Remembrance" at my church. Each person present at this service completed a card with the name of their remembered friend or family member prior to the service. During the service, each name is read and the family member(s) come forward and light one of these candles. As the next name is read, the candle-lighter passes a taper to the next family.

It is moving simply to hear the name of each person read. Some of the people named are people I knew and some are not, but as I looked into the faces of those lighting the candles and saw the interactions of friends and family members I felt connected the life that was honored. Some grieved with a grief that is fresh and raw and others with a grief that has been tempered with time. However, for each person, the holidays present an opportunity to connect with the memory and absence of the lost loved one. Though it was pointed out that we, as people of faith, do not grieve as those who have no hope, we do feel the physical absence of those we lose while we remain here.

It is interesting that even though I did not have a connection with all of those honored tonight, I could identify with the grief and loss experienced by their friends and family. As I allowed myself to connect with their grief, I was connected with my own losses (past and present). As a community of faith, we joined with one another in expressing grief. In doing so, we participated in a healing ritual that helped us deal with our losses.

For those of you who find the holidays to be a particularly difficult time of grieving, I offer my prayer for God's peace for you. May you find a place of healing and comfort.

Starbuck's Rant

If you were to ask me, I would tell you that I am not a coffee drinker. I don't like plain coffee. I don't regularly just drink a random cup of coffee. However, with enough milk and syrup in it, I really like a coffee-flavored beverage from Starbuck's. My favorite is a peppermint mocha. Several times a week I will go around the corner and order a "Grande, non-fat, no whip, peppermint mocha." Which, unfortunately, usually sets me back about $4. It used to be $4.32 until I learned about registered gift cards. With a registered gift card you could get your extra syrup free and just like that, my $4.32 became $4.

However, when the holidays rolled around, Starbucks offers a "Holiday" Peppermint Mocha that sells for $4.42 in the Grande size and your registered card doesn't get you nothin! Last year, I spent my days at Starbucks asking the cashier if they would not ring my drink as the "Holiday" version, but just as a Mocha with peppermint and "Presto" I got my syrups free. When the holidays rolled around this year, same issue. So, this year, I wrote to Starbuck's to say, "What's up with the added expense and no free syrup?" However, their response seems to have been to notify the stores to not ring holiday drinks any other way than as the holiday version. So now my $4 Grande costs me $4.42. This is just CRAZY to me.

There are new benefits coming in December for registered gift cards and I can't wait for those.

However, as I write this, I am reminded that there are literally MILLIONS of people in Africa alone that do not have clean water to drink and that those people must sometimes walk hours a day to get what water they have. This fact alone means that young women do not get education because they are carrying water all freakin' day.

So, I am not happier about my $4.42 Mocha, but it kind of keeps things in perspective for me.

Thought for the Day: Leaves in Fall

I was driving back from working out today and in a yard that was ahead of me I saw a magnificent maple tree that appeared to be glowing in florescent colors of red, orange, and yellow. The tree was stunning. As I drove by I looked at a few individual leaves and noted the color of each. The leaves in and of themselves were beautiful, but the collection of all of them together was what made the stunning image.

So, in this way, the Kingdom of God can be compared to a maple tree in fall. Each person is gifted and beautiful in and of themselves bearing the glory of God in themselves, but it is when we exist together that colors blend into a rich palate of vibrant color that is the Church. Therefore, let us bless the giftedness and uniqueness of our brothers and sisters and strive demonstrate God's love to on another. In so doing, we show the world the love of God.

[Jesus prayed] The glory which you have given me I have given to [my disciples], that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you have sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. John 17:22-23

Pastoral Care: It's Not About Me

In some circles these days there are discussions about who should be the focus of Pastoral Care. Military, hospital, and other chaplains (and Pastoral Counselors) have debated to what extent the religious views of the care giver should be expressed in care of the "care receiver." In the U.S. Navy there is controversy about a prayer offered for all of the crew of one vessel that was prayed "in Jesus' name." If the prayer was prayed on the behalf of ALL people, should the Christian chaplain pray in Jesus' name. In my training and experience, Pastoral Care is about me offering care the reflects the faith tradition of the person that to whom I am giving care. I had a moving experience today that reflects just this point.

I have been seeing an older person in therapy for several months that has been diagnosed with cancer. (Please excuse the cumbersome language avoiding pronouns in this piece, but I want to protect the identity of this person.) When I first met this person, they were not expected to live longer than 4 to 6 months and our sessions focused on preparing for death and issues of faith. The chemotherapy that this client has undergone has been successful in treating the cancer and this person is now a candidate for surgery and the chances of long-term survival is now better than 70%.

Almost every time I met with this person we talked about the fact that this person was never baptized by their family in the faith tradition in which they grew up. Since reaching adulthood, this person has had a personal sense of faith, but has not been connected with any one congregation. As this person has faced the possibility of death, the issue of not being baptized has been brought up as a matter of concern. We have spent several sessions discussing what their beliefs are about baptism and how it is related to salvation for them. We have discussed the historical traditions and meaning of baptism in those traditions. Each time we came to place where this person felt that something was missing from their life, but not being sure exactly how all the pieces fit together for them.

As we met today, we came to this same issue of baptism again. There was a greater sense of urgency than usual because this person is facing a potentially healing, but dangerous surgery. This person could not find peace in the possibility of death with uncertainty about eternity. This person could articulate faith, but felt incomplete. After a lengthy discussion and at this person's request, I agreed to perform a baptism in my office today.

As a Baptist, I do not believe that baptism saves anyone. I also believe that baptism should be done in the context of a community of faith. I believe that baptism by immersion is the appropriate (though not only acceptable) mode of baptism. However, after discussion today, I retrieved a bowl of water from the kitchen. I prayed with my client and then sprinkled in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. My client reported that they felt differently. They reported that they felt more relaxed and prepared for surgery and more connected with God.

I performed a religious activity that did not fit with my faith understanding in order to provide care for someone who found it meaningful. In the larger picture, I am not sure exactly what this baptism means, but I have no doubt that I provided good Pastoral Care today and I felt the presence of God in a mighty way. What a blessing.