The Sky is Falling and It's All Your Fault

I have two primary theories that inform my therapy with my clients; object relations theory and family systems theory.  I am acquainted with a number of other theories.  What I have learned through the years is that what theory you use with a client is not as important as establishing a good relationship with the client.  There are several qualities that make for good rapport, but none more important than being a “non-anxious presence”.  The term “non-anxious presence” comes from the family systems theory, but has such a broad potential for application.  Being the non-anxious presences means that as the person in front of you is getting more and more anxious that you resist the urge to join them in that intensity.  Being a non-anxious presence means that when the person with you discloses something that is shocking to you on the inside, that you don’t show it on the outside.  Being a non-anxious presence means that you do not jump to conclusions, you don’t overreact, you don’t judge and you don’t get lost in your own emotions.    

To be really good at doing this, a person must have done sufficient work on their own internal world; tending to their own hurts, their own biases, their own beliefs, and their own arrogance.  To be good at  being a non-anxious presence requires a degree of humility.  It means entering into the other person’s world so that you can understand things from their perspective without losing yourself.  To do this, you really have to know yourself, but not be hung up on yourself.  Being open to the other requires allowing others to explore their own thoughts and make their own choices (and live with their own consequences).  It does not mean that we don’t express our thoughts or concerns, but it does mean that we don’t try to control the outcome for the other person.  To be a non-anxious presence, we have to tend to our own fears, manage our own emotions, think through our own actions before we become “reactive”.  Being present with another person in this way, demonstrates our inherent trust in the other person and God to ultimately figure things out.  Being present in this way means not trying to control another person’s life and dictate the outcome of their story; it is seeking to be loving.  For me, it is the way that God demonstrates love to us.  Allowing us to figure things out and learn from our choices, but supporting and loving us on our journey.

The opposite of this can be seen in so many places, but it is particularly disturbing to me to see it in families, churches, and politics.   It seems that social media like Twitter and Facebook and 24/7 news coverage provide people the opportunity to comment on events and people without careful reflection and complete understanding.  When we reduce people to sound bites, exaggerate their views (or flat out lie about them) to create fear we are being emotionally reactive and manipulative.  When we reduce people to labels and belittle them for their thoughts we are separating ourselves from the image of God in another human being.  When we ostracize others because they are different than us we are denying the freedom of each person and the interdependence of our lives.  I am continually saddened to see religious leaders – conservative, moderate, and liberals – who demonize those who are different from themselves and respond with knee-jerk reactive comments.  I am disgusted by politicians that create unrealistic fears to emotionally manipulate the public.  In our families, in our churches, in our society, we need more people who are willing to do the difficult work of introspection in order to offer the world a more non-anxious presence.  I know it brings healing in a therapy relationship.  I know it breeds healing in personal relationships.  I don’t know why it would not benefit society as a whole.