A friend recommended an article to me a couple of weeks ago
entitled, “The Secret to Breaking Out of Our Most Destructive Habits” by
Stephen Stosny. I took issue with some
of Dr. Stosny’s evaluations of cathartic experience, but I did agree with his
assessment that the path to change involves more than an exploration of the
past. For me, the exploration of past
experiences and facilitating cathartic experience is only meaningful if it
leads to the opportunity for change and helps create an understanding of a path
to change. I appreciated that Dr. Stosny
could talk about how continued focus on what is not desired actually reinforced
the very thing that a person wished to be rid of. The path to change then lies in a focus on
what is desired and involves repeated attempts to practice new skills, new
reactions and attitudes until the under-developed becomes second nature. Though he talked about brain chemistry, I
could affirm this reality both in my own therapy with clients and my own
personal journey of change.
In the same week, I read in Peter Rollin’s Book, Insurrection, thoughts on how the desire
to observe an authority’s prohibition and the desire to transgress the
prohibition can exist in the same mind. Similar to Stosny (but not identical at all),
Rollins describes how the focus on a prohibition actually can drive the very
behavior that is prohibited. As I
reflected on the intersection of both of these writings, I began to think about
Christianity and pink elephants with purple polka dots.
For years, I have worked with clients who have rehearsed and
ruminated over attitudes and behaviors that they wanted to change. However, they only ruminated over how much
they desired those things to change and how much they did not want those things
in their minds. Often times, the people
have prayed that God would remove certain thoughts or feelings from them. They have sought to be free from something in
their life without really knowing what change would look like other than to be
free form that which seems to hold them down.
For some of these clients, I have asked them to close their
eyes and clear their minds. I tell them
that I do not want them to think about anything…especially pink elephants with
purple polka dots. I repeat the
admonition, “Do NOT think of anything, including pink elephants with purple
polka dots”. Facetiously, I will ask the
client, “What is now on your mind?” The answer
is obviously pink elephants with purple polka dots. My
point is that even if we are thinking about it in the negative, when we focus
our attention on what we do not want, we are still reinforcing those very
thoughts in our head. Instead, we work
on figuring out what we would prefer to have in our heads instead.
When I realize this as a path to true change, I realize what
a poor job we have done in the church in helping people find real change even
as we are trying to tell people “Good News”.
The Good News that we like to tell is that people are sinners; that we
are born with a sinful nature, BUT God loves us anyway. Not only does God love us anyway, but God sent
his son to die on the cross for our sins.
Then we tell people that if we accept the gift of Jesus’ death on the
cross, we are a new creature and we then should live differently. To help people with this, we have created a
list of things that Christians do not do and many times week after week we hear
sermons about what we should not do and what we have to be careful of. However, if we look at what actually brings
about transformation in a person, then we realize that if we continually focus
on how terrible and sinful we are, then the love of God DESPITE our failures
only keeps us focused on our failure. Likewise,
the more we focus on what we should not do, the more we reinforce the desire to
transgress the prohibition and the more we actually reinforce the behavior that
is not desired.
The process of
salvation then is worked out as we seek to live more and more as Christ
did. This is not defined by what we DON’T
do (and not even so much by what we DO), but the attitude, outlook, and heart
that is in us. In Christ we are a new
creature. As Rollins writes, “In grace
we are able to accept that we are accepted [Paul Tillich’s concept] and, in
this very act of knowing we do not have to change, we discover the ability to
change. It is in experiencing the
license of grace rather than the legalism of prohibition that real transformation
becomes possible” (p. 106).
This concept is not a comfortable one for many because of
fear. What if we are truly free? What if we do not condemn others for their “bad”
behavior? Aren’t they likely to continue
in their “ungodly” ways? While there are
concepts of healthy community that would have us interact with one another
around hurtful and self-destructive behaviors, it is radical acceptance of
others that allows for the possibility of growth and transformation. Many times what keeps us from this radical
acceptance is fear, but we know that perfect love casts out fear (I John 4:18). Our church communities have too often become
places where we pretend to be perfect and talk about those who don’t live up to
the standards we have created. Instead
our church communities should be places of encouragement where we are practicing
the new attitudes and skills we want to live into and support and encourage
each other when have setbacks knowing that we are all on the same journey
towards the same destination. The path of true transformation lies not
rehearsing the pink elephants and purple polka dots of how terrible we are, but
in encouraging one another on the path of being all that God intended us to
be.
