Maybe you have heard people say, “Suck it up” when something
difficult happens. There are certainly
times when we jokingly say, “Rub some dirt on it” after a minor incident, but
too many times we are encouraged to “not be affected” by life’s events and to “move
on”. It seems to be mantra of the rugged
individualist who says, “pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with
life.” Not too long ago, I met a person
from another country who noted their country’s own version of this mentality
that says, “Keep Calm & Carry On.” The problem with this way of thinking is
that it is contrary to our human needs and frustrates the very path to
healing.
When difficult things happen to us, when we are exposed to
traumatic events, when we suffer a loss, we generally have feelings. After the news of yesterday’s mass shootings
(and even the death of Tom Petty) there were those who described a multitude of
feelings ranging from shock to anger and sadness to despair. All of these are natural and normal
responses. It does not feel like an efficient
use of time to sit and take stock of those emotions. Sometimes, it seems self-indulgent or silly
to allow yourself time to cry or experience the deep sadness you feel after a
tragedy, but as difficult as it may be there is no path to healing that
by-passes these feelings. Any attempt to
by-pass the experience of deep emotions will lead to difficulty in other areas
of life, heightened emotional responses to other events, behavioral or
compulsive behaviors. Trying not to feel
has consequences.
The process of healing leads through difficult emotions and pain and never around them.
After a recent trauma, a friend asked me how does one make
sense of life and find meaning again.
The path is definitely different for each person. One person’s journey will
take turns that another person’s journey may not take, but the journey must go
through the depth of emotion. Healing
involves telling the story of loss. It
involves allowing yourself to feel the deep feelings and to enumerate the losses. Even if there is hope that things will
ultimately get better, you cannot skip to the part where things get better
without going through the wilderness of pain.
Despite what some people fear, eventually the pain becomes
tolerable. We don’t forget what has
happened. We don’t pretend things never
happened, but we begin to learn how to live despite what has happened. In the wake of a tragedy like the shooting in
Las Vegas yesterday, others will write about what they think people ought to do
politically or socially and those activities may be helpful for some in their
recovery process (and absolutely necessary to prevent future events, etc. ), but in the
individual process of emotional recovery and meaning-making, there is no
substitute for moments of stillness, time of expressing feelings, and
reflecting on the meaning we make of events within our own faith understanding
and worldview. This process can be done
with a trusted friend or a member of the clergy, but psychotherapists, and
particularly pastoral psychotherapists, have professional training to walk with
people on these journeys. Some offer
different tools and methodologies, but there is a somewhat common understanding
to the process of healing that leads through difficult emotions and pain and
never around them.
Take time for the emotional work in your own life. It is not waste of time, but a path to wholeness.
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